411 Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by karatemunchkin
Summary: Look at title. BTW, this is supposed to be numbered, but I was having problems entering it, so if it's not, please PM me. -Just a list for now, but I will be making it a story later.


Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:

1. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

2. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

3. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental. However, they may be conspiring to take over the world, no matter how unlikely it may seem.

4. I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends".

5. I will not call the Weasley twins 'Apocalypse 1 and Apocalypse 2'.

6. I will not call the Weasley twins drop-dead-wickedly-hot-double-doses of love, and then try to prove it by snogging them both senseless in the Great Hall, Common Room, Library, or any other place on or off Hogwarts grounds.

7. I will not attack the Weasley twins because they are 'to die for'.

8. I will not attack anyone because they are 'to die for'.

9. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

10. I will not tell Madame Pince 'Silence in the library!' when she yells at me.

11. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting "I got the power!"

12. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them Smurfs.

a. Nor am I to teach them to sing 'It's a Small World'.

13. I will not slip Malfoy a gay Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

14. I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.

a. I will not call Prof. Dumbledore 'Santa', sit on his lap, and demand presents, especially in June.

15. I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

16.I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas with instructions how to use it.

17. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause. Nor may I tell them that Dumbledore is Santa Claus, as it is no longer funny.

18. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lady.

19. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

20. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class. Especially with a French accent.

21. Chemistry and Potions don't mix. Period.

22. Using the Engorgio charm on parts of the human anatomy is not allowed, even for entertainment purposes.

23. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, make it walk across a sheet of paper, and sell it as a cheat-sheet for ancient runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

24. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying that the library is closed for an indefinite period of time amusing.

25. The house elves are not there to do my homework. Neither are the ghosts, or the centaurs.

26. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

27. It is not necessary for me to yell BURN every time Prof. Snape takes points away from someone.

28. 'Defying my will' is not a crime worthy of Azkaban and I should not tell people that it is.

29. 'Save a Broomstick! Ride a Quidditch Player!' is not a song, nor will it be sung at Quidditch games.

30. Casting a charm to make Prof. Flitwick's furniture grow a little bit every time he sits down is not funny.

31. Using the Petrificus Totalus curse on Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present means that I should watch my back until June.

a. Especially if the Weasley twins stayed over the holidays.

b. If Lee Jordan is there, hire a bodyguard.

32. Responding to 'Do I need to take points?' with 'Only from another house' is not acceptable.

33. Never poke a sleeping Slytherin.

34. Do not ask Professor Snape to be your date to the Yule Ball.

35. I will not yell 'Believe it…OR NOT!' after one of Dumbledore's speeches.

36. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of 'The Knights of the Round Table' at a meal.

37. I will not try and start 'naked Thursdays' in the common room.

38. I will not tell Sir Cadogen that he has been challenged to a duel by the Nights who say Ni and have students randomly yell out Ni.

39. Hogwarts does not have a student council, and I am not its president.

40. I may not mock Umbridge in front of the press.

41. DO NOT SING '99 Bottles of Butterbeer on the wall'. Ever.

42. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

43. I'm not allowed to scare the first years while screaming 'I'm melting! I'm meeeeeltiiiing!' in the shower.

44. I will not forge letters to the parents of muggle-borns with detailed descriptions of the satanic rituals they are learning.

45. I am not allowed to have a Fanged Frisbee.

46. I will stop asking Prof. Flitwick how the smartest students are dumb enough to believe that ravens have claws.

47. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy and does not need to be told so…again.

48. Voldemort and The Master are not the same person, and they are NOT to be introduced to each other.

49. I will not call Prof. McGonagall 'mum'

50. Shouting 'Accio Dobby!' is not the proper way to ask for house elf assistance.

51. I will not ask Prof. Lupin if he has had all of his shots.

52. Asking the Weasley twins 'so you do everything together?' is unadvised.

53. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of 'Ferret Boy'

a. 'The Marvelous Misadventures of Ferret Boy' is NOT to be turned into a comic strip and sent to the Daily Prophet.

54. 'You might be a pure-blood' jokes are not funny, especially in front of so-called pure-bloods.

55. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as 'Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing', even if it's true.

56. DUCT TAPE IS NO LONGER ALLOWED IN HOGWARTS FOR ANY REASON AT ALL!

a. This goes double for superglue.

b. Triple for whipped cream.

57. Feeding Malfoy a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was rude.

58. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

a. Nor am I to threaten to crush her like a bug.

b. I am not allowed to demonstrate aforementioned threat with real bugs.

59. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

a. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

60. Professor Umbridge will NOT sing 'I put a spell on you', no matter how much you blackmail or threaten her.

61. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

a. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

62. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

63. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

64. Professor Dumbledore will not replace quills and parchment with pens and paper, and I should stop trying to convince him otherwise.

a. I am not allowed to sell pens and paper for outrageously expensive prices to ignorant purebloods.

b. I am not allowed to make anyone else sell them, either.

65. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

66. I may not have a private army, even if it technically belongs to someone else.

67. There is no student band at Hogwarts called the Hex Girls.

68. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

a. Nor am I in any way to substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

69. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

a. I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

70. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

a. Neither will Professor Umbridge. – sob now -

71. I shouldn't use Photoshop on wizard pictures to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

a. Or the Weasley twins. Even though that would be awesome, and everyone's inner pervert would think so too.

b. I am not allowed to sell above mentioned incriminating photos to students.

c. Giving out the incriminating photos is also not allowed.

72. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

73. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

74. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

a. Especially not all of them at once.

75. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

76. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

T77. he four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

78. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes. Especially against the Weasley twins, because it belongs to them in the first place.

79. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.

80. I am not allowed to dye Professor Dumbledore's beard neon green.

a. Or any color, for that matter.

81. I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

82. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silver-moon Fairy-wing Glimmer McSparkles.

83. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

84. I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

a. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

85. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

a. I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

86. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

87. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

a. Nor am I a giant purple platypus. I am also to stop shouting this at mealtimes.

88. I am not allowed to call Fred and George Weasley 'Loki and Hermes' as this may give them the idea that they are trickster gods and that would be very bad for all.

89. I will not charm a poster of Justin Bieber on Draco Malfoy's wall.

90. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

91. I will not call Professor McGonagall 'Professor Kitty'.

92. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.

93. My name is not 'I am AWESOME!', or 'guess who?', and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

94. When asked who I am by the new DADA teachers, I am not to respond 'your worst nightmare!' even if it's true.

95. Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

96. I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

97. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

98. I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.

99. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that dictionaries are not a credible source.

100. A time turner is not a flux capacitator and I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car.

101. A wand is for magic only. It is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

102. Do not enter the Tri-Wizard Tournament under the name 'your mom' just to make Dumbledore say it.

103. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

104. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

105. I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha. Do not even ask about a tiger, anaconda, or dragon.

106. Dumbledore is not Gandalf, nor should I hint that he is.

107. Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.

108. Under no circumstance am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldymort".

a. Even if he is.

109. I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.

110. I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid. Because then an angry Percy Jackson and an angry Professor McGonagall would be after me, and that is just scary.

111. I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.

a. Nor will I send him a box of tampons for his 'time of the month'.

112. Saying "I think I 'taw a puddy-tat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed.

113. I will not draw a fake mustache on Percy Weasley while he is sleeping.

114. Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hairdo.

115. I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge.

116. I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum.

117. I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.

118. I will not get everyone to join in rounds of 'If you hate Snape and you know it clap you hands' in the Great Hall.

119. Do not pet Prof. Flitwick on the head while saying how cute he is.

120. I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day:

Hermione Granger? Muggle-born and way too young.

Bellatrix Lestrange? Is already married.

Harry Potter? Sworn enemy, same gender, and way too young.

Albus Dumbledore? Not quite right…

Dolores Umbridge? Evil, hates children, ambitious, HATES Harry Potter, uses unforgivable curses, wants to torture and kill people, incapable of love, half-blood but lies and says pureblood, Slytherin, high position in Ministry, ugly old toad, hates any kind of rebelliousness and fun, can't stand Dumbledore.

WE HAVE A WINNER!

a. I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either.

121. I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul.

122. I will not shout at dinner that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike.

123. I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.

a. Nor will I make Percy Weasley dye his hair black, dress up in armor, and pretend to be Percy Jackson.

124. I will not sing 'I'm a Survivor' after the Battle of Hogwarts.

a. Nor will I sing 'We are the Champions'.

125. No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball.

126. Professor Lupin is not the magical equivalent of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.

127. I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes.

128. Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then ask how their perm went in the morning.

129. It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.

a. She does not appreciate rubber mice, either.

b. And live mice will ONLY be used for transfiguration.

130. Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye."

a. To which I am not allowed to reply.

131. I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

132. Nor am I allowed to have light saber fights with my wand and make whooshing noises.

133. "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related.

134. There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am to stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.

135. Humming 'Peter and The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit.

136. I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"

137. Teaching first years to chorus in unison 'The Amazing Bouncing Ferret' whenever they hear Malfoy's name is wrong, funny, but wrong.

138. Prof. Snape does not take singing requests, no matter how much you beg.

139. I will not send fainting fancies to the Slytherin common room with no antidote and a card saying 'for the prettiest' again.

140. I will not create a 'Trouble-Maker's Hall of Fame' and as such I won't place it next to the Weasley twins' swamp and hang the Marauders' Map there.

141. Putting a leash on Prof. Lupin is inappropriate.

142. I am absolutely not allowed to enchant Umbridge's shoes to clop like hooves when she walks no matter how much everyone would like it.

143. Portable swamps are not funny.

a. And I will not set one off in Snape's sleeping quarters.

b. Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.

c. In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.

144. Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this every time I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me.

145. My patronus is not a Nazgul.

a. Nor is it a Dalek.

b. Neither is my animagus form.

146. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

a. It still is not appropriate, even if I have substituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears.

147. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

148. My professors have neither the time nor the want to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

149. No part of the school uniform is edible.

a. I am not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

150. I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too short".

a. Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.

b. I am not to make Dumbledore heavily drugged so he will give me a position of authority. Such as headmistress, prefect, or head of the Anti-Slytherins Club.

151. I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.

152. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin. I am a girl with mental problems.

153. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

a. Nor am I allowed to vanish anyone's clothing.

154. I am not allowed to post a picture of Fred or George's face in the Great Hall and see how many people correctly guess which twin it is, with a prize for the winners.

155. I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do.

156. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

a. No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing, "If I Die Young."

157. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

158. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or any other activity for that matter.

159. Asking the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Cabin 3, Poseidon, or any other house is forbidden.

160. Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it. Nor does he want a percentage of the income.

161. I will not draw mustaches on all of Professor Lockhart's portraits.

162. I will not ask impossibly difficult questions just to confuse and annoy Prof. Lockhart. Even if the other teachers tell me to do so.

163. Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate, though it is extremely funny. It will also leave horrible mental scars on anyone who witnesses this, including me.

164. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

165. Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "magic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is. Or I will lose my best friend.

a. The same goes for Professor Trelawney. Not the best friend part.

168. I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark.

169. When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and claim it is blood.

a. Nor am I to write it in actual blood.

b. I am not to write anything in anything except black ink.

170. I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.

171. I will not set Prof. Snape's robes on fire to get out of potions.

172. I will not set anyone's robes on fire to get out of potions.

173. I should not be a sports commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.

174. Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign.

175. I am not allowed to give all the students polyjuice potion to make them look like the Weasley twins, as this will result in all the teachers simultaneously having a heart attack.

176. If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

177. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

178. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

179. I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

180. Severus Snape does not appreciate being compared to a Fury.

181. Firenze does not want to join the Party Ponies.

182. Sprout does not enjoy being sent cereal boxes for Christmas because one thinks she is a daughter of Demeter.

183. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

a. Nor shall I use it to write 'I TOLD you I was right!'

b. I shall not use Umbridge's quill to write anything other than what I am told.

c. I am not allowed to do anything with her quill other than destroy it and all evidence.

184. I will not start an annual betting pool on how this year's DADA teacher is going to go.

185. I will not obliviate Umbridge's memory, send her to St. Mungo's, and introduce her to Lockhart.

186. I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Harry likes her back and is trying to make her jealous by going out with Ginny.

a. I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that I was wrong, Harry hates her, and he is still going out with Ginny.

b. I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Harry is going out with Ginny.

c. I will not tell everyone that taking a shower is the same thing as giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.

d. I will not tell anyone that Moaning Myrtle actually spies on them in the shower. Even if she actually does.

e. I will not tell Myrtle that Peeves only teases her because he secretly loves her.

f. I may not tell Myrtle wondrous stories about the Weasley twins, give her pictures, help her stalk them, make her fall hopelessly in love, and drag them to her bathroom so she can declare her love. Even if they died my hair blue and I want just revenge.

g. Do not offer to kill Harry, Cedric, the Weasley twins, or anyone else so Moaning Myrtle is not alone and can be with the love(s) of her death.

187. I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.

188. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors, no matter how peaceful and quiet it would be afterwards.

189. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

190. I am not allowed to declare an official 'Hug a Slytherin Day'

a. Nor am I allowed to declare a 'Kiss a Weasley Day'

b. The same goes for a 'Cheer up Snape Day!"

191. There is NO SUCH THING as an 'invisibility thong' and I will NEVER give such a thing to a teacher as a present.

192. I will not take out a muggle life insurance policy out on Harry Potter.

193. I am not allowed out of my dorm ON ANY CONDITION when visitors from the Ministry are here.

194. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Lord Voldemort.

195. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

196. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the school ball.

197. I will not change the password to the Prefects' bath to 'makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty'

198. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.

a. I am not allowed to sell any alcoholic drinks on Hogwarts grounds, no matter what I call them.

199. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half hour. Or at all.

200. I will not yell 'BAM!' every time I apparate, as fellow students find this annoying. This will also lead to people questioning as to how I can apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

201. I will not steal the sword of Gryffindor and use it to patrol the hallways.

202. I will not change the Ravenclaw pass question to 'What are Ravenclaws?' and answer with 'Mentals-in-Training'.

203. If the thought of a spell makes me laugh for more than 15 seconds, I should assume I am not allowed to do it.

204. It is a very bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself way too seriously.

205. I will not sing 'I am off to see the Wizard' whenever I am sent to the headmaster's office.

206. I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and refuse to let him in, no matter how much of a service this would be to my fellow students.

207. Do not shout 'How could you betray me like this?' whenever Professor Snape removes house points.

208. I will not put veritaserum in the teachers' drinks.

209. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his 'happy place'.

210. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is 'petrificus totalus' and has to be said with their wands pointing at them.

211. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

212. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden because there are Acromantulas and werewolves in it, not because it has a secret cave with all the test answers in it, and I should refrain from telling first years so.

213. I will not tie-dye all of the school owls.

214. I am not allowed to tell the first years that a Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

215. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce' is a BAD idea.

216. I will not start singing and dancing in class and claim that someone put the Imperius curse on me.

217. I must not throw Hermione's _Hogwarts: A History_ out the window and claim it wanted freedom.

218. I must not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night with books on your head as gravity and the magic in the air will cause the knowledge to sink through your skull and into your brain.

219. I will not use magic, or any means at all, to change test questions into ones I can answer.

220. The proper way to report to a teacher is 'yes sir!' not 'you can't prove a thing!'

221. Harry Potter is not my protection shield to carry around to ward off evil.

222. I will not tell Professor McGonagall she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat.

223. I will not hand out slips of paper to students asking if Snape is evil.

224. I will not tell first years who are waiting to be sorted that you have to reveal your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat.

225. The 'I-Hate-Snape' club is not a valid after-school activity.

226. I will not charm Firenze pink. Or any centaur, any color.

227. Yes, the Great Hall is very large, but Quidditch is an outdoor sport.

228. I will not 'borrow' a prefect's badge for Peeves.

229. I will not tell first years that Fang is a hellhound.

230. I will not post notices in common rooms, saying tomorrow is a theme day, wear a costume. Even if it is _ day.

231. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I am doing it for muggle studies class.

232. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them each other's name.

233. I will not tell Ravenclaws they're useless because Hogwarts' smartest student is in another house.

234. It is not appropriate to trade first years between houses.

a. Nor is it appropriate to trade prefects between houses.

b. The same applies to all students, teachers, and ghosts.

235. I cannot tell first years that any true witch or wizard can see Thestrals, and if they can't they are obviously not cut out for Hogwarts.

236. Bungee jumping off Hogwarts towers is against the rules, even if it's not written anywhere.

237. I am not allowed to use the sticking charm to glue Harry and Malfoy's hands together.

a. Nor am I to use the sticking charm to glue Fred and George's lips together.

b. I am not to learn the sticking charm.

238. I will not swap anyone's broomstick with one out of Filch's cupboard.

239. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

240. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a piñata from the Whomping Willow.

241. I will not attempt a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas trees.

242. 'Potter 6, Voldemort 0' is not an appropriate t-shirt slogan.

243. I will not use muggle hair dye on anyone. Period.

244. I will not tell first years that it is customary to dye your hair their house colors on the first day of lessons.

245. A lightning bolt tattoo is not the light mark, and will not be referred to as such.

246. I will not give ANYONE veritaserum. Ever.

247. 'All's fair in love and war' is not an official rule at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and never will be so long as Professor Minerva McGonagall breathes.

248. No matter how cool it sounds, I will not release pixies into the school – it will just end badly.

a. If I do release pixies into the school, I will not use the excuse of following a teacher's actions, as Lockhart was the worst teacher ever.

249. It is NOT a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

250. There is no annual 'Dress like Dumbledore' day.

251. I may not speak random Latin phrases ANYWHERE as I may accidentally make a new spell with unfortunate side effects.

252. Easter is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits on the grounds and making first years chase them.

253. The Weasley twins are not, and never will be, love gods in disguise, no matter what they or anyone else might say.

254. I am not allowed to send Professor Binns an invitation to his own funeral.

255. I will not hex Slytherins' benches to fly around the Great Hall while they are eating.

256. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of term to say, 'Practicing magic during the holidays is highly recommended, please make sure you do' is immature and a really bad idea.

257. Throwing Mrs. Norris at the Whomping Willow is not nice, nor is it to be done.

258. I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points.

259. I am not to conjure the words 'Drink me' onto any vial of Snape's in the potions classroom.

260. I will not enchant the Astronomy telescopes to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

261. The proper way to report to a professor is 'you wanted to see me?' not 'I have it on good authority that you have no evidence'

262. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

263. No matter how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his rooms at night and shave it off. And then wear it as a wig.

264. Robes are appropriate school wear; bathrobes are not.

265. The fact that there are three unforgivable curses does not mean every other curse is 'pretty much forgivable'

266. The song 'Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead' is never, ever appropriate.

267. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to pink and blue with a teddy bear on it.

268. I will not transfigure the clothes of the opposite sex's good-looking members into skimpy swimwear.

269. I will not, under any circumstances, bewitch Professor McGonagall's mouth to play classical music every time she tries to talk.

270. Even though they are not unforgivable curses, the use of curse words is still punishable.

271. Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with carbonated soda, while amusing, will get you punished.

272. I will not use magic on students to make them transform into their costumes on Halloween.

**273. I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER cause 'Pass the Snog' day to happen, be talked about, or researched at Hogwarts. EVER!**

274. I will not tamper with everyone's timetables.

275. I am not the headmaster, nor am I allowed to sit in the headmaster's chair.

a. Nor may I expel people.

276. I am not to change the password to the Slytherin common room to be 'Long live Harry Potter'.

277. I will not give my professors sleeping potions in class. Or at all.

278. I will not make random snake sounds at Harry Potter to see if he understands anything I say.

279. Puking Pastilles are not to be tested in the entranceway every hour on the hour.

280. OMGWTF is not a spell.

281. I am not allowed to vote people out of the Common room.

282. If any seeker gets on my nerves, I am not allowed to throw a small ball and yell fetch.

283. I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.

284. I will not borrow Trelawney's tarot cards for a game of poker. Or any game.

285. I am not to say one of my witch relatives was crushed by a house.

286. I will not levitate younger (or older) students (or professors) because they annoy me (or because it's fun).

287. It probably isn't smart to insinuate that Draco Malfoy's hair glows in the dark, even if it does look like it.

288. I will not tell the first years to play the awkward game in the Great Hall at dinner.

289. Modifying the 'pail of water over a door' trick into 'pail of bubotuber pus over the door' trick is not allowed.

290. I am not allowed to spread rumors that Umbridge's animagus transformation went horribly wrong and that's why she looks like a toad.

291. It is not possible to make parodies of a professor's name. This is not a challenge.

292. A ferret is not an acceptable present for Draco Malfoy, even if he likes it.

293. I am not to give Sirius Black a dog toy for a present.

294. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye as a joke. If you do, you won't be able to write this down.

295. I will not ask Sirius if he was neutered.

296. I am not to use the Floo System to play a game of ultimate tag.

297. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

298. I am not allowed to yell "BOO-YAH!' every time I walk into a room.

299. Professor Flitwick will not perform tricks for money. Or at all.

300. I will not tell Umbridge 'Voldemort says hi' whenever I see her.

301. I am not allowed to get into fights. Whether or not I was the provoker OR the provokee.

302. I am not allowed to charm all of Professor Trelawney's teacups to have a grim at the bottom.

a. I am not allowed to ask Sirius to chase Professor Trelawney in dog form, either.

303. Shouting 'CONSTANCE VIGILANCE' before hexing first years, or anyone else, is not acceptable.

304. 'Yes, I've heard all the jokes about Oliver Wood's name' is not a challenge.

305. Voldemort does NOT need a hug, nor does he WANT a 'Hug—A—Dark—Lord' day.

306. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothing is wrong on so many levels.

307. I am not allowed to call Peeves 'Casper the friendly ghost'.

308. I will not attempt a Tarzan swing from the Whomping Willow.

309. I will not give Voldemort a wig to hide his baldness.

310. I am not to tell first years that kissing Umbridge on the lips will turn her into a nicer person.

311. I am not to call Professor Umbridge 'Lady Umbitch'.

312. I will not turn Malfoy into the 'amazing bouncing ferret' whenever he insults me.

313. I am not allowed to lock Potter and Malfoy in a closet, and then make bets on who survives.

314. I will not set my teachers on fire.

a. I will not set myself on fire.

315. I am not allowed to bow down to Snape and ask 'Oh mighty half-blood prince, how may I be of service?'

316. I am not allowed to make everyone play musical dorms.

317. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins. Unfortunately.

318. I will not ask Professor Trelawney when was the last time she got her inner eye tested.

319. I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

320. I am not allowed to respond to all of Snape's insults with 'I know you are but what am I?'

321. Naughty jokes regarding Moaning Myrtle are only funny the first time.

322. Eating a bar of chocolate that weighs more than you do is a bad idea.

323. Mrs. Norris is not an acceptable replacement for a piñata.

324. Hogwarts is in the UK, and thus is not ruled by the US Constitution. Therefore, Avada Kedrava is not considered free speech, even if you are an American transfer.

325. I will not start a howler chain saying 'Your life will be cursed if you do not send this to ten more people in ten minutes'.

326. I am not allowed to wolf-whistle at Professor Snape.

327. I am not to owl copies of 'The Evil Overlord Gazette' to suspected death-eaters.

328. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the halls.

329. Crabbe and Goyle are not to be called 'Dumb and Dumber'.

330. Fred and George are not to be called 'Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum'.

331. I will not make my friends dress up as Voldemort and his death-eaters for April fool's day.

332. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

333. I am not allowed to creep students out by being a horrible flirt.

334. I'm not allowed to use Potter's broom to sweep the Common room.

335. Kissing booths are NOT allowed.

336. Do not tell first years that the Bloody Baron is the ghost of Christmas future.

a. Nearly Headless Nick is not the ghost of Christmas past.

b. The Fat Friar is not the ghost of Christmas present.

337. The _Lord of the Ring_ is not the textbook for History of Magic class.

338. Do not leave a litterbox in Prof. McGonagall's room as a 'present'.

339. Do not ask Prof. Dumbledore to show everyone his scar that looks like a map while in the Great Hall, as no one wants to see him lift his robes.

340. I will not give Peeves the keys to Mr. Weasley's flying car.

341. I will not teach the Whomping Willow how to play baseball.

342. Draco Malfoy is not Harry Potter's secret lover. Neither is Colin Creevey, for that matter.

343. First years are NOT bait for Care of Magical Creatures class.

344. Enchanting or convincing the Sorting Hat to replace house names with swear words is not amusing and will only get you in trouble when caught.

345. Do not convince the Weasley twins it would be awesome to see everyone's faces if they make out in the Great Hall. This will only awaken your inner pervert, get all three of you in trouble, and give the twins howlers from their mum.

346. Do not make innuendos with your wand.

347. Don't call Prof. McGonagall 'Minnie' in front of the school.

348. Do NOT hex off Prof. Dumbledore's beard.

349. Don't send teachers Valentine's Day cards signed with other teachers' names.

350. Don't make funny noises at random.

351. Do not play karaoke over the School's sound system (that you installed, because it's muggle, not magic)

352. Do not imitate Snape behind his back. Or anyone else.

353. Do not tell Hermione Granger that she failed a test.

354. Do not ask the house elves to feed fried snake to the Slytherins.

355. Asking 'how do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?' and running away is only funny the first time.

356. I will not ask Prof. McGonagall if she has ever had a hairball.

357. I am not to tell muggle-born first years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when you eat a whole handful at once.

358. I will not steal Draco Malfoy's blanky.

359. I will not threaten to burn the Weasley twins' teddy bears in the Great Hall.

360. I will not create posters of Umbridge saying, 'WANTED: for the crime of impersonating a human being' and stick them over the educational decrees.

a. I will not make said posters follow Umbridge around all day while croaking, even if Prof. Flitwick gives me points for good charm work.

b. I will not place an animated drawing of Umbridge turning into a toad and back again in the Great Hall, even if Prof. Flitwick offers to help me.

361. I may not start impromptu Quidditch games just so I can aim a Bludger (or seven) at Umbridge's head.

362. Peeves may not countermand any orders from professors, even if he has a 'borrowed' prefect's badge.

363. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

364. I will not kiss Trevor to see if he will turn into a prince. Or princess.

365. I must not lock Oliver Wood and Marcus Flint in a closet just to see what happens.

366. There is not a fifth house and I am not its founder.

367. I may not dress in black robes with black wings and walk around hugging Slytherins, pretending to be Prof. Snape.

368. I cannot offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey so he 'can practice his photography'.

369. Wands out and stalking Prof. Snape to 'protect him from Peeves, house elves, and first years' is not allowed.

370. A Bludger is not a bowling ball, and Prof. Snape is not a bowling pin.

371. Do not applaud every time Prof. Snape talks.

a. Do not address Prof. Snape as 'my liege'

b. Do not tell first years that Prof. Snape is the voice of Merlin.

372. I may not start a food fight.

373. Prof. Snape is NOT to be serenaded.

374. I may not gallivant around naked.

a. I may not convince others to gallivant around naked.

375. 'Beaters do it with Wood' is not funny, even if the only people not laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

376. Pink girly stuffed animals are not to be animated and charmed to hug people you hate in front of large crowds of people.

377. I am no longer allowed to eat lollipops in Prof. Snape's sight ever again.

378. Don't applaud whenever Prof. McGonagall turns into a cat. Over, and over, and over again.

379. I will not ask Peeves to follow Umbridge around.

380. I will not write love letters to/from Umbridge and Voldemort.

381. I am not allowed to replace Mad Eye Moody's drink with apple cider, then watch him freak out as he thinks he's been poisoned.

382. I may not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons.

383. I must not run through the hallways shouting 'the British are coming, the British are coming!' as most students will not find this funny.

a. I am not to shout 'muggles' instead of 'British'.

384.I must not claim that if the Gryffindors were locked in a room with the Slytherins, the Gryffindors would beat them up.

a. I must not test rule # 384.

385. I cannot make the Sorting Hat drunk, as this will NOT make his song more humorous, and the first years don't like being put into 'Ravenpuff', Gryferin', or Slythaclaw'.

386. I must not estimate how much Shushi the Giant Squid would make.

387. Doing homework is not against my religion, and I should stop proclaiming that it is.

388. I will not singlehandedly try to solve house rivalries…especially because I cause most of them.

389. I will not hang a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the Gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office.

a. I will not hang a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on any of the classrooms, either.

390. I will not use a sticking charm to put toilet paper on Prof. Snape's shoe, then follow him around and constantly ask why he hasn't pulled it off yet, because then I will be made to remember that I was not supposed to learn the sticking charm.

391. I will not change all the boys' bathrooms into girls' bathrooms, just to confuse everyone because they have no place to 'go'.

392. I will not charm the Boys' dormitories to turn into a ramp if anyone but a girl tries to enter, because making them all sleep in the Common Room is a cruel and unusual punishment that only the likes of a Slytherin should think up.

393. I will not question a teacher's decision to give me detention, as that will result in yet more detentions.

394. I will not make my own potion recipes, as things are likely to explode.

395. I will not ask 'why' after everything a teacher says.

396. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem.

397. 'Accidentally' dropping polyjuice potion with Harry Potter's hair in Prof. Snape's pumpkin juice is not allowed.

398. Writing 'Sirius' instead of 'serious' on potions assignments will make Prof. Snape fail me immediately.

399. Hinting that Prof. Snape actually loved James instead of Lily is not good for my health.

400. I will not give someone a two-way mirror as a present, especially if I don't tell them what it is.

401. Professor McGonagall does NOT have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

402. Filch and Mrs. Norris, on the other hand…

403. Contrary to popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy and I should stop attempting to prove otherwise.

404. Do not correct Mad Eye Moody about anything. Ever.

405. When detained by Dementors, I do not have the right to a strip search.

406. Providing Peeves with Dungbombs was a very irresponsible action, and will not be done again.

407. I am not allowed to charm Filch's underwear into a wedgie.

a. Or anyone else's.

408. I may not attempt to bribe Prof. Sprout. Especially with last night's leftover veggies.

409. I may not hunt first years.

410. I am not allowed to ask Professor Moody if he can use the Imperious Curse to make people do a strip tease.

411. I am not allowed to cause a strip tease during mealtimes. Or at all.


End file.
